Admitting When Enough is Enough
I feel like I’m repeating myself over and over and over again, but I guess when you’re sorting through things and making changes, the same feelings are going to manifest themselves over and over and over again… just in different forms.
I’m about to get very honest and raw with you guys…
For years, decades even, I’ve struggled with body image issues. Now, I’m not saying I think I’m crazy obese or anything like that, but I know I’m not “small” by “conventional” standards. I’ve never been super skinny. I can’t even remember the last time I weighed less than 150 pounds. MAYBE high school?
Having broad shoulders and wide hips runs in my family… so I’d always resigned myself to the fact that I am a relatively “curvy” girl. But, for the most part, I always felt relatively comfortable in my own skin… but there was also a huge part of me that struggled when I looked in the mirror every day wishing I was about six sizes smaller.
And then, having a blog, a style blog nonetheless, made me even more conscious when it came to my weight and clothing size. I know how to dress for my body and I like the way I dress and I like my style… BUT, being a size 14 and a size XL in most women’s clothing makes shopping the cute boutiques quite difficult… especially when a large or a 10 is the largest size they carry. It’s pretty embarrassing when I’m working with a shop or something and realize they offer nothing in my size.
And then there’s the inevitable comparison game. I am usually pretty good at not comparing myself to others and being confident in myself and the work I produce… but there are a few times where I’ve really been down on myself.
What do I mean? I have to back up for a second in order to move forward… Let me say, I am PROUD of this blog. I work really hard on it and it’s something I’m incredibly passionate about. I’ve blogged for almost NINE years… and about half of that time I’ve blogged 5-7 days a week. I work hard on creating quality content. I work hard on finding interesting things to share. I work hard on improving my photography and sharing pretty, beautiful, and inspiring things.
But when I pitch a collaboration idea to a dream partner or company and they tell me no, it’s hard not to think it’s because of my size.
I don’t want this to come off sounding wrong, but the truth is, I know I have a great readership (I am totally biased and think I have the BEST readers in the world because you guys are amazing, dedicated, loyal, and so so so encouraging of me AND of one another). I know I have strong blog stats, and I know I share great, high quality content. So when I get turned down and told that it’s because I’m not “on brand,” it’s hard not to think it’s because of my size. Because I’m not pitching a company I don’t already know and love… if that makes sense. And then I see that same company working with someone who’s barely blogged for a year… but they’re a size 2 and drop dead gorgeous. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Women of ALL shapes and sizes are beautiful! I really believe that… I’m just sharing my feelings…)
It’s so hard not to compare when it happens time and time again.
What the heck does “on brand” mean, anyway?
I told you guys I was going to get raw and honest.
All that being said, my struggle with my body image has only gotten worse in the last few years.
I gained so much weight with Lilly… despite eating well and working out almost daily during my pregnancy, I gained 60+ pounds. I felt huge. I WAS huge.
While I lost the first 30-40 pounds rather quickly, the last 20+ pounds have refused to leave. No matter what I do.
I’ve totally changed my eating habits in the last year. I track my steps with my Jawbone. I have worked on getting more sleep… but exercise has, honestly, been the hardest part. Getting to the gym regularly with a toddler is so hard.
And I knew what honestly needed to be done. I KNEW what I needed to do. I knew that post-partum weight was no longer an excuse. Enough is enough.
I knew I needed a personal trainer.
I needed someone to KICK ME IN MY BUTT and get me moving. I needed someone to TELL me what to do and show me how to do it properly. I needed someone to give me a plan, a schedule, and action steps to achieving my goals.
I sat down and seriously began praying about it. I realize that sounds silly… like WHY would I pray about something like this? But I did. I said, “Lord, I need your help with this one. I know I need to make a change. I know enough is enough. But how am I going to make this work?”
Not an hour after I said that prayer, an old friend sent me a message.
My friend Rachel and I used to sing together on our church’s worship team! We hadn’t seen each other in awhile because she’d gotten married and was going to a new church… but she sent me a message letting me know about her new fitness and personal training business and she wanted to see if we could work together!
It LITERALLY was an answer to a prayer… almost immediately. I said, ABSOLUTELY and we scheduled a time to get together to chat.
When we got together, it was like we were able to pick up right where we left off. We chatted, caught up about life and marriage and my daughter Lilly… and we talked about her business and all that she’s doing! It was awesome. It was just the rejuvenation I needed. It was just the thing I needed. She was so encouraging and I told her all about how I’d been feeling and how I’d been praying about a change needing to take place.
So we set a schedule and a plan and we’re hopping right to it.
I’m meeting with her every Monday to work out for an hour and then she gives me my workout homework for the week… one day focusing on upper body and the other day focusing on lower body… with some cardio built in. We’re really focusing on strength training because she really believes that’s where I’m going to see a huge change and difference in my body and in my health! AND Lilly gets to come with me! Haha! She’s the cutest workout partner… EVER.
For the first time in YEARS, I really feel like things are happening. I feel like the pendulum is swinging in the other direction. I feel like I’m making a dent in something I’ve been chopping at for far too long.
I will say, I know I am incredibly fortunate. I do not and WILL not ever take that for granted. EVER. This blog that I work so hard on has afforded me some amazing opportunities and I am so appreciative to Rachel and Shape Fitness Durham for wanting to work with me in the first place! I’m also so thankful that it’s reconnected me with an old friend!
I really want y’all to know how much I appreciate YOU GUYS coming back here day after day… because if it weren’t for y’all, I don’t know what I’d do!
And in the meantime, I could totally use y’alls encouragement as I really embark on this MAJOR shift in my fitness journey. I KNOW it is not going to come easy and I know it’s going to take a lot of focus, dedication, and hard work… but I’m ready. I’m determined.
Big time.
If you live in and around the Durham, North Carolina area and you’re looking for awesome fitness classes or a personal trainer, I can’t say enough good things about Rachel at Shape Fitness. Seriously. She’s amazing. She’s so encouraging, so real, so honest, and will KICK YOUR BUTT (in a good way! haha!). Thank you, Rachel. Thank you for believing in me that I CAN make a change!!
*this is not a paid / sponsored post. I’m working with Rachel at Shape Fitness in exchange for sharing my thoughts on my experience! All opinions and thoughts expressed here are 100% my own!
Thankyouthankyouthankyou for writing this post, Molly! I’m built pretty similar to you – I’m a 14/16 and a L/XL in tops – and I’ve struggled with body image for YEARS as well. It’s really hard sometimes to be a blogger when most other bloggers I see are so much thinner than me. The comparison game sucks. I know full well that there are choices I make that prevent me from getting my body in shape, but I also sometimes feel like I have no idea where to even start with getting healthy and losing weight. Instead of doing anything drastic, I’ve been focusing heavily on increasing my water intake lately. Once that becomes more routine, I’ll slowly add in activity and moderating certain foods. We’ll see what happens, but I’m finally feeling that “enough is enough” feeling you’re talking about here. I’m so eager to see your success on this journey!! Good luck, dear!
Molly – thank you for writing such a heartfelt post! I was crying the whole time I was reading this…I can totally relate to the body image issues and wanting to do something about it. This past weekend I felt these feelings when I was at a blogging conference. It wasn’t that anyone said anything or did – it was my own insecurities, but nonetheless, affected how I felt about myself and the conference. I really appreciate your honesty and that is why I come back to your blog because I can relate to you. Thank you for that! I love your honesty! Thank you for this post – it was just what I needed to start believing in myself again….
That is great for you! I am struggling with my body image right now as well. I have barely lost any weight since I had my son 17 months ago. I have never been a tiny girl but I think I can at least get back down 50 pounds lighter! I have 50 pounds I want to lose before we start trying for our second kid. I am hoping to start a yeast free lifestyle change will help that. My goal since January has been to workout at least 3 times a week and as long as I can do something it feels great. I do need someone to kick my butt more though. I would love to see more about how this workout is going and some inspiration. We can do this together! I love the inspiration and support you give and I feel like we are in the same boat. We can do it!!
Molly,
I too am a curvy woman and it has taken me forty four years to finally accept and LOVE my body for what it is. I have learned a person’s worth isn’t determined by the number that is listed on the tag inside their clothing. Worth is determined by the person that you are, how you treat others and how you live your life. We all have been a witness to your “worth”. You have a huge heart and you wear it on your sleeve. I admire your honesty and your sense of humor. You inspire so many of us to be courageous in our daily actions and be true to ourselves. Your blog has made an impact on so many of us and that is why we all still continue to read it every day. We all will be rooting for you on your newest journey!
Take care, Carla from California
Molly – this is awesome, and congratulations to you on beginning your journey! It’s not easy to get into a workout routine and it’s something I’ve struggled with consistently too. I’ve discovered I can’t rely on myself to work out at home or go to the gym, I need to be in an environment where someone is coaching me and I have a support system – it makes such a huge difference for me. I used to only want to work out to lose weight or look a certain way, but dedicating myself to a fitness program taught me that working out to simply be healthy and FEEL good is the really good stuff. That’s what keeps you coming back. I wish you the best of luck on your journey – it’s a big step to take but it has great payoff. It teaches you a lot about yourself and what your body is capable of, too! -Stephanie
One of the reasons I love your blog is because you’re open and honest in everything you talk about. I don’t have weight struggles but I have the struggle to be healthier because I’m really not. Sometimes it takes someone else to help us overcome our obstacles, whatever they may be. I think you are wise to put someone in your corner while you work on this part of yourself! Love you, girl <3
That’s awesome!!! You go, girl! 🙂
xox
giedre
ps. Btw, if those companies didn’t want to work with you because you’re not a tiny size, that’s just dumb and it’s probably a good thing you didn’t give their company more publicity. I love seeing how many companies these days are doing a turn around and focusing on using real women in a variety of sizes, types, and looks in their advertising!
Awesome post and I love how you mentioned prayer as a beginning start to your new journey to feeling better and making changes. I need to remember to ask God more for His answers and help in life. Thanks for the reminder.
Rachel xo
Garaytreasures
I think most women would be able to say they have felt the same at one point or another. Finding your inspiration for wanting to be a healthier person is really they key…I’m sure Lilly has a lot to do with that! Finding an accountability partner is also really, really important so you are on the right track. The older I get the more I have tried to shift my thinking to being healthy instead of being thin….no matter how hard I try I will never be that thin girl but I am healthy. You shine from within girl….it’s one of the reasons I started following your blog! I will be thinking about you and can’t wait to hear how you are doing.
Molly — thanks so much for your openness and honesty. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and love it. I felt compelled to chime in because you have started a wonderful dialogue here about an issue that damages many of our lives. (It also just so happens to be National Eating Disorders Awareness week!)
Almost all of us women (and many many men) feel at war with our bodies. This isn’t by accident. We live in a culture that conflates thinness with health and many other things — success, self-control, intelligence, etc. Even doctors may encourage their patients to “lose weight” when there is very little evidence linking weight and illness/death. There are, however, well established links between dieting and poor health outcomes. All things being equal “obese” women have been shown to have the same life expectancies (if not higher!) than “non-obese” women UNLESS they have a history of dieting. It is the history of dieting and weight loss struggle itself that puts the “obese” at risk for heart problems, etc. Our culture is not only damaging us emotionally, but it literally encourages us to take action that will harm our bodies.
All of our bodies have weight set points. It is for this reason that 95% of people who lose weight on a diet will regain that weight (and likely additional weight) within 5 years or so. Our bodies are all different — it can not be seen as a commentary on our will power or commitment to health if our bodies do not conform to a current standard of beauty.
I think it is awesome that you get to exercise with a person who is supportive and also take your daughter with you! What a wonderful example you are for your little one showing her how to care for her body. I wish you all the best luck in the world as you commit yourself to your health. I hope you also remember that you are perfect just as you are — regardless of the numbers on the scale. If weight loss happens through a commitment to health (putting good nutritive food in our bodies, sleeping well, reducing stress, getting enough sleep, exercising) so be it. The truth is that we are all beautiful and can be healthy and well at many, many different sizes.
Thanks for having the bravery (and smarts) to start a dialogue that has such capacity to heal.
Love,
Amie
http://www.haescommunity.org
Like everyone else below I’d agree that I think you are pretty fab and I appreciate how honest you have been. I think you have a great image and that is one of the reasons I like your blog so much. Image has nothing to do with body size or shape, it has to do with style and personality. It would be very boring if everyone was the same. Anyone looking to sponsor you should see that and promote your brilliant style and honest attitude! I’d also say that a healthy mind is needed for a healthy body. I’d also like to lose weight but ultimately my size should not affect how happy I am. Funnily enough when I am at my happiest and just busy getting on with lots of lovely happy things I do seem to lose a bit of weight unintentionally! Getting a healthy mindset about body image is sooo hard though, especially when I have a Mum whose own insecurities and lack of self esteem and disgust at how she looks has been passed on to me. If I have children then I hope so much I stop that inheritance and teach them about being happy and healthy and being active and loving life. It is hard though, especially when I go to the wardrobe and see lots of lovely clothes that don’t fit just now. I read about a challenge recently that was involved you looking at yourself each day and turning a negative thought into a positive one. Taking photos along the way.. I think you kept the bit you liked least until the end.. but by the time you have said all sorts of nice things to yourself over the weeks you realise at the end your most hated part is now something you don’t hate but appreciate. A body positivity challenge! 🙂
Oh, Molly, I absolutely love your honesty and I cannot say enough how absolutely beautiful you are. I have a post drafted in my head called “Why I’ll Never be Accepted by Reward Style” and it starts with how average-sized I am and ends with how drop dead gorgeous I am not. Haha! The brands that have turned you down have missed out on an amazing marketing opportunity. If it wasn’t them being feature do your blog, it was gonna be someone else! They handed marketing over to another shop, anyways. 😉 I’m glad that you are on track to a healthier you and I hope your confidence soars as a result of it. Let me also tell you that you are already wonderful, beautiful, and just too great to doubt yourself as you are now! Work towards a healthier body, but, more importantly, don’t let it define a healthier mindset – work for that separately, too!
Yours is one of my few blogs I follow and I so appreciate that you are so real, and how I can see how something will look on someone closer to my size. You are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for all you share on your blog. If I knew who turned you down I wouldn’t even shop there!!! So there! 🙂 Have fun exercising with baby Lilly though :), and just do it to be healthy, not any certain size <3. Hugs to you.
Love it!
Honestly (and I hate it when people say ‘honestly’ because it implies they aren’t usually honest but there, I said it) I love that you aren’t a size 2. Not that I won’t love you if you ever are. BUT because you have curves and you have a fashion blog, you are accessible and you show clothes MOST women wear and have access to. That’s a big stinkin’ deal!
Those boutiques that don’t want to collaborate? Would you REALLY want to work with them anyway if they can’t provide what most women need and want?
Molly, you are beautiful inside and out. You are created in Christ’s image. I know you know that but I’m just reminding you.
Thanks for your honesty.
You’re such a beautiful person and a blessing to so many. Keep shining, Buckley! 🙂
Thank you for being so real! Thank you for verbalizing what so many of us struggle with. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest. You can do this! I can’t wait to see your transformation!
So proud of you Molly!! I’ll be rooting for you the whole way!! xo
Molly, I never comment but I feel very inclined to do so on this post. I follow your blog and check it religiously every morning because YOU ARE A REAL PERSON and look like myself and most other people I know instead of the size 2’s (again, not that there is anything wrong with that – my sis is a size 2 and I envy all the cute things she can wear, but I’m a 12/14). I follow a lot of other style blogs because I like their style but if I want to know what clothes look like on someone who looks more like I do, I run back to your blog. I love your advice, your confidence (is seriously shines in your photos!), you dedication to good finds, your love of your daughter and your love of the Lord. Thank you for being so honest – here and in every other post!
I rarely post unless I feel like I have something of worth to add. I have experience in this arena. most of what you wrote about your body image and journey above, I share. All the way down to gaining 60+ pounds with my first baby. I remember the day I looked at the scale in the doc’s office, 8 months pregnant and topped 200lbs. When I got pregnant I weighed 135 – I’ve never told anyone that – ha! You inspire honesty Molly –
Anyway, I struggled with the post baby weight for 4 years. Finally, my husband wanted to have another child – I knew I had to loose it or I would just gain another 60+ with my second baby and enter the land of no return….I tried a ton of things – pills, potions, eating plans, gyms, exercise tapes, etc. etc, etc,…finally, in a last ditch effort, I joined weight watchers. (This is not a ploy to try and convince anyone to join weight watchers)…That did it. I realized in the first week of joining that I had no idea how to eat. I had no idea how many calories I was taking in every day (even if it’s whole food, and good food if you eat too much, you still get fat! ). When I was young I would binge and starve, do stupid un-healthy things to loose weight. I never learned how to eat. So, I started counting my points and going to meetings. I cannot say enough good about attending a weekly meeting – I don’t read my bible by myself, I seek guidance and fellowship – I couldn’t learn to change a lifetime of un-healthy habits by myself either! I needed the support and wisdom of others. Within 6 months I slowly and steadily lost the remaining weight.
That was over 10 years ago, and I’m still a lifetime member. I still struggle, my weight still goes up and down, I still have body image issues (You NEVER see me on any of my social media posts because of my self-image issues). However, I’m healthy with a healthy weight and a new vision of what beautiful really is. So hang in there baby, find what works for you and most of all – Don’t quit when it gets hard. If you fall off whatever program you choose, get back on. 🙂 After all, when you get a flat tire, you don’t get out of the car and go slash the other 3, right? You change it and roll on… Just stay the course, life keeps happening, and lifestyle change is a constant journey.
Forgive my babbling, this is a subject that hits home with me 🙂 Keep reaching out for encouragement, and I found that being really specific when I ask for help encourages good tips and info. You can make this change, and it’s for all the right reasons 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
It takes a lot of courage and faith to push back in the face of being “on brand” – because honestly what does that mean? It means company’s that push images in front of us that make us feel less about our selves, not enough, not good enough, not anything enough or TOO MUCH. It’s just wrong – but I’ve always appreciated that while your blog has been about style and beauty and clothing (and yes material things) it’s also more importantly about JUST BEING MOLLY…and I like to think that’s why so many people relate, we just want to be ourselves and the best version of ourselves and have others respect it….they don’t have to like it or agree or anything, but just respect each person for who they are as individuals. Keep being you Molly, you’re alright 😉
Thank you for your honesty and your openess. I am a long time reader but never comment. One of the reasons I was drawn to your blog is you are a real woman. I love that you are not a size two because I can relate to that. I too have struggled with weight for years and it has only gotten harder after two babies. I congulate you in taking things into your own hands. Good luck and you got this! You will find working out makes you a better mommy, wife, and person!
This is amazing Molly, and I have felt so many of the same things as you. You and I are about the same size in clothing, and I’ve always loved how you manage to look stylish in our size – it’s definitely inspired me. For me, the exercise is all about fitting in small things – extra steps here, a lunchtime workout there. I don’t have tons of time, so that makes it difficult. I’m looking forward to seeing how all this goes for you! I’m slowly creeping my way down in sizes and hopefully you’ll join me there soon!
That is so awesome, Molly! I feel like you wrote everything I feel about myself. I am the same way — I need someone to keep me accountable. My good coworker friend and I are getting back to the gym together. She just had a baby, so it’s perfect timing. Good luck on your work outs!! You’re going to do amazing!! And it’s so cool that Lilly can go with you!