What I Want for My Daughter
all photos by Kelly Martin Photography
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.””
-1 Samuel 16:7
I’ve always loved that verse of scripture. I love the image, the feeling, the knowledge, the reality of the fact that our God loves us for who we are. He sees our heart, He sees who we are as people, and He loves us. How we look, what we weigh, and how we dress have no effect on how much He loves us.
But yet, for some reason, over the years, I’ve continued to struggle with this. Because at the end of the day if I said that I don’t care how I look or what I weigh or how I dress, well, I’d be lying to you.
I totally care.
This is not a new issue. I’ve talked about my struggles with body image before. But I’ve come to a realization lately that I feel like I need to process.
I have a daughter now. And I don’t want her to grow up and think like I do.
I have spent the past 28 years hating my body and hating the way I look (well, I guess maybe 21 years… I don’t think I really had a concept of the way I looked before I was 7 or 8).
The times that I have looked in the mirror and thought, “Yeah, I look pretty” are completely destroyed by the number of times I’ve looked in the mirror and wished I saw something different.
This is not in search of a pity party or fishing for a compliment – this is my way of processing a real issue that so many women deal with.
It’s a constant struggle comparing myself to other women and how they look and how they dress. Comparison is toxic.
The fact is, this past weekend I went shopping for the first time in a LONG time because I needed jeans. None of my pre-pregnancy pants fit me and they aren’t even CLOSE to fitting and my maternity jeans are falling off. So, I bit the bullet, went to Old Navy, and went jeans shopping.
I went in knowing that I’d be buying a size larger than usual, but I still lived in some weird state of denial. As I tried on pair after pair in sizes I THOUGHT I could fit in, I got more and more frustrated. Finally, in a fit of borderline-rage, I grabbed a pair two sizes up from what I was trying on and put the jeans on.
They fit and they looked amazing on me.
I actually thought the jeans looked good. But, I couldn’t get over the fact that I was wearing a size 14.
But it’s not about the number. The fact is my body has changed dramatically since giving birth. My body did something miraculous – making a human baby and birthing it. And it’s not like I won’t ever wear a size 8 or a size 10 again.
I looked good and felt great in those size 14 jeans. So I bought them.
And as I drove home, I thought about what I’d been struggling with and that still small voice from the Lord spoke to me. I thought about Lilly.
To me, she is the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. And I tell her that every day. Even though I know she has absolutely no concept of what that means right now, I won’t stop telling her. Ever. I will be old and gray and Lilly will be married with kids and I’ll tell her she’s the most beautiful girl ever.
I want Lilly to grow up confident in who she is and who she is in Christ. I want her to see herself as the Lord sees her. I know I can’t protect her from the things of this world and I know I can’t totally guard her from the pressures she is sure to face one day, but I can set an example.
For the first few years of her life, Lilly is going to look at mommy as her example of what a lady should be. And if I’m constantly talking badly about myself or the way I look or saying negative things about my appearance, what is Lilly going to think?
Lilly is going to see mommy as the example and if mommy doesn’t see herself as worthy, why would Lilly?
And that breaks my heart.
So what do I want for Lilly? What do I want for my sweet, innocent daughter?
- I want to teach Lilly to love and fear the Lord.
- I want to be a positive example to Lilly.
- I want to show her that mommy is healthy, happy, and confident.
- I want to teach her to be healthy, happy, and confident in who she is.
- I want Lilly to love herself and reject those that try to bring her down.
I want the world for her.
I want her to see her as I see her. Which is beautiful.
But, I have to start by working on myself. I have to start at the source. It’s a matter of changing the way I think and changing my heart.
I really enjoyed reading this. You know what? It is EXACTLY the change of perspective I experienced after I had my daughter. Isn’t it amazing how they change you even when they’re so tiny and can’t comprehend it? I spent 22 years hating myself and my body. I know it’s 22 years exactly because I was 32 when I had my daughter and I vividly remember the exact day I started hating my body – I was 10. After she was born I realized that this perfect little girl wwould look to me as an example of self-confidence. How could I do that if I was constantly negative about myself? I witnessed my mom constantly be negative about herself. I saw (and still see) how she lacks self-confidence and it breaks my heart because to me she’s perfect. And I realized that that negativity undoubtedly rubbed off on me (although I would never tell her that). I decided that this has to stop and I will start with my daughter. I want her to be confident and to always know she’s beautiful and absolutely perfect. I’m dressing a lot better and more enthusiastic about makeup and fixing myself up. Not so that I feel fake. Just enough to feel good. It’s true that the more I do it the better I feel. I definitely feel confident most days and on the days I don’t feel confident I have stopped telling myself I’m ugly. I think my daughter notices. She’s 2.5 and often tells me, “Mommy you look soooo beautiful!” And I love that. Not only because she’s picking up on my confidence but because I know that just as I consider my mom the most beautiful woman I know, she considers ME the most beautiful woman she knows. Little by little we’ll stop the self hate. My next challenge is to wear dresses and skirts. MY daughter loves dresses and skirts but I know she’s noticed I don’t wear them. On several occasions she’s said to me, “Mommy where’s YOUR dress?” I don’t own a single dress or skirt! Time to stop hating my legs and start leading by example.
One of your best post EVER!!! Love the pictures of you two throughout too.
Beautiful! It is so hard to celebrate all that we have as women. We are beautifully created to take on so much and the most precious gift of child bearing was bestowed upon us. I love that Lilly is growing up in a household where she will learn to appreciate her unique beauty as a woman of God. Great job!
Molly, I don’t have kids and most likely never will, but if that were to change I would read your blog every day for inspiration on how to be a good Mom. You give so much! I got my daily message from God and thought I would share it with you. It kind of mirrors the sentiment of how you stated your post:
On this day of your life, Molly, I believe God wants you to know…
…that the world is so much brighter, so much better,
because you are in it.
If only you knew all the gifts that you bring to others.
You would never feel sad again, but only rejoice in
how wonderful God has made you!
I would not say these things just to make you feel
good. The things I’ve said here happen to be true.
God bless you and your family now and always.
I don’t know how you do it, but your words cut right to my soul every time. You are a beautiful writer & an even more gorgeous mother & woman of Christ. Thank you for your honesty, thank you for your words that every mother should tell every daughter – you are simply amazing!
xx
Here&Now
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Beautiful post & beautiful photos, Lilly is lucky to have a wonderful mom like you.
you are right, comparison is TOXIC. i love this molly, its so true, when you have a child all you want is the world for them and you realize that if you aren’t happy with yourself then how can they ever be happy with who THEY are. you are such a strong person and its going to be hard and constant struggle but one day it will happen……ps i love the new post baby molly……you are one hot mama 🙂
brooke @ what2wear
Since we just met online recently, I am just reading more about you in this post. Thank God you can now see the Beauty others see in YOU. This post is inspirational to say the least. Enjoy your Life!!
BTW Lilly is growing up too fast. . . .
I love this post Molly! It’s so true, my Mom always had a negative image of herself and I do feel like it rubbed off on me. I don’t want my children to see that. It’s a constant struggle, but I think if we make a conscience effort it will make a huge difference in the way our children see themselves. Even though I’m having a son I don’t want him to know that mommy feels bad about herself and puts herself down. I want him to grow up with confidence and be strong.
Lindsay
LindsayJEveryday.blogspot.com
Beautiful. I saw a couple of pins on Pinterest recently about being aware that your children see what you do and they will eventually do it, too. I thought, I need to spend less time staring at the scale, more time smiling, laughing, and being healthy. It’s so hard – I constantly struggle with body image. In fact, pregnant is the most beautiful I’ve ever felt until someone ignoramous comes along and asks if I’m having twins. It’s a constant battle, but your daughter has the best role model. Props to you for sharing with us!
Oh man, all the things I keep thinking about having a daughter….you said them! I’m with you my friend!
Carly
http://www.lipglossandcrayons.com
This is a very beautiful, touching, and well written post Molly. I love the message that is in there. We are made in his image so who are we to nit pick about our looks. This was a great reminder to myself. While I don’t have a little girl I do have a son and I want to set an example for the kind of woman he should go after when he is older. A strong woman not a woman who is weak and negative. Thank you for sharing.
This was so touching, Molly. Just from knowing you in the online world, I can already tell you’re going to be an amazing example to your little girl. She’s lucky to have you!
This post was so sweet, it brought me to tears. Thanks for this reminder that God loves us no matter what we look like. And not only that, He sees us as beautiful! Lilly is lucky to have you for a mom.
What a beautiful post, Molly. I totally understand what you are saying. Thank you for being so honest 🙂
You are already a wonderful mommy and Lilly is so lucky to have you. And honestly, you just gave birth a few months ago! No one expects your body to bounce back to what it was yet. It’ll take time. But even now, I think you look amazing!
xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
What a beautiful post. And so very, very true. I’ve often had these same thoughts about the daughter I hope to one day have. We are so much a product of our upbringing. My own mother was never critical of me, but she was super critical of herself and I believe that part of the reason I’m so critical of myself is because of her example. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful example to Lilly!!
This was so beautiful Molly.
This is so touching, Molly. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My body image seriously turned around after my hubby and I started having kids. I suffered through an eating disorder in high school and thought I had healed from it, but when I started to “see” myself through my kids eyes I REALLY started to heal my bad body image. It really hit me when a close coworker of mine said that I looked SO skinny after our first child was born. She was right. I was too skinny, but I wasn’t in a state of maliciously depriving my body of food. I was still holding on to that idea that I needed to be skinny to be beautiful and simply not eating healthfully enough. After she said that to me, it clicked in my brain. I stopped holding onto that idea of skinny being the epitome of beautiful and started gaining weight … well, I had a couple more kids so that helped, too! After I let go of my negative body image, I felt so at peace with myself.
Beautiful post, Molly!!
I love your heart, Molly! Isn’t it crazy how having a daughter is motivation for the way we as women act? I love that verse too!
Molly you have always been a phenomenal writer and as you grow in your relationship with The Lord the honesty and grace in your writing is beautiful. Lilly is absolutely blessed to have you as a mother.
Molly I couldn’t agree with you more. I started dieting when i was 9 years old. In some ways, I’m so glad I had my daughter at 34…it’s taken me a long time to let go of my insecurities…I wrote a post recently about how this topic in a different way. Your daughter is lucky to have you as an example! http://www.discoverystreet.net/search?updated-max=2013-08-18T10:55:00-07:00&max-results=7&start=7&by-date=false
Beautiful post. I think parenthood tends to bring out the best in us because we really want to be that good example for our children. I have struggled with my body image for years and even more so after having children. But I really have had to come to the realization that I can’t take away the stretch marks and mommy tummy, but I don’t want to either. Because if I did, that would be taking away my kids. Just like you, I hope to model a healthy self image for my daughter.
Beautiful. I absolutely know and can relate to what you are saying Molly. My son is almost 4years old and while my body has yet to go back to the way it was before it wasn’t until today that I was trying to put some old jeans on that it hit me; I have created, carried and birthed two beautiful babies with my body and now more then ever I need to be careful with what I say about my looks because my son understands and my daughter doesn’t need to hear suck negativity from her mama. I think it’s something that most mothers face but it’s different when you have a little girl who is going to look up to you and look to you for how to be a lady. You and Lilly are both beautiful!
Aw that’s so sweet and so true! And in the long run, you won’t be blessing just her, but yourself as well! 🙂
And your pictures are so sweet and lovely!