33.

I’m 33 today. I thought I’d have something eloquent to write… something that would be inspirational and thoughtful and transformational. But I don’t. I just have brain word vomit. So here goes…

I’ve mentioned before that I’m really not a big birthday person when it comes to my own birthday. No, this is not a #humblebrag thing or anything like that… I just, for some reason, have always (definitely in my adult years) had a hard time celebrating my birthday. I have no idea why. But legitimately, I have some very weird issue with my own birthday. Clearly this is something I need to dive into in my next therapy session. (YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE PREVIEW.)

I keep calling this my Jesus year. You know, since Jesus lived to 33. I do not say that to sound irreverent… But in some ways, it’s feeling right to say it. (Although, I am truly, truly hopeful and prayerful I make it to 34, 35, 46, 63, 78, 98… I want to grow old and become an old person who can say anything that comes to my mind and people just say, “Oh don’t worry about Molly, she’s just crazy and old!”)

32 was hard. Basically since I turned 32, it’s been one thing after another and… it’s been a craptastic year. (‘scuse my language, but just speaking the truth. 32. Was. Hard.)

I try to not look at it as a hard year, but it just was. However, I’m trying to take it as a year that was just transformative. Which is was. I grew a whole lot in my faith this year. I clung to Jesus and His word more than ever. I am hungry for God’s word. I say that not to sound like a super Christian, because I’m not, I say that because it is true and I am starving for Truth. God’s truth. I’ve learned SO MUCH ABOUT HIM and how AMAZING He is this year.

I say this boldly and honestly because I know it to be true: If you do not love Jesus, you just don’t know Him yet. Because if you knew Him, you would realize how awesome He is. He is just the best. I want to be His best friend, I want to love Him, I want to be like Him (even though I will never come close), I want to love other people like He did… and at the end of the day, I want other people to know about Him. Because trust me, if Jesus can transform a person like me and completely flip my life upside down in the best way, He can do it for you.

This is the first time I’m sharing this out loud here (as I’ve only shared this with my husband and a few close friends), but the past seven months have done a lot for me and one of them is that I am feeling a strong, strong calling from God into some type of ministry. Not working for a church, but a different ministry. Some speaking, some teaching, but more just ministering. Ministering to hurt, broken people who just need to hear the Good News.

The thing is… I have this heart for talking to people who DO NOT love Jesus or the church. I have felt this pull… This calling… This desire to just have conversations with people who have been hurt by the church or have a visceral reaction to anything “Jesus” because they assume it’s going to be hate-filled, bigoted, judgmental, etc. etc. etc. You know what I’m talking about.

I want to talk to the person who wants nothing to do with “Those Jesus people.”

Because that was me. There was a point where I thought I was so angry at God and I wanted NOTHING to do with Him or His people that I just would say, “I don’t believe in Jesus.” What I came to realize was that what was really going on was my own brokenness and own hurt and own shame and own (insert all the things) was being masked… I was covering it up with excuses.

But God.

But God.

I don’t have time to go into my whole story (although I’ve shared a lot of it over the years on here), but GOD. He. Is. Good. 

Anyway… goodness, I certainly went on a tangent there. Where was I?

RIGHT. I’m turning 33 today.

33 brings with it life experience and challenges, but also the prospect at SO MANY YEARS to come and so much I have to learn. I have not arrived and don’t even feel close. I still feel basically like 17 in my own mind, except for the fact that, literally, as I stand here at my makeshift standing desk, I’m rolling out my foot on a massage ball thing because I have plantar fasciitis and it hurts like a son of a gun. And my back hurts and I’m going to foam roll that in a hot second. And I hear the sounds of my kids fighting over watching PJ Masks or Puppy Dog Pals. I’m also wondering what time is too early to go to bed at my age because I am #letired. So I am definitely NOT 17. I am very much 33 going on like, 73.

I’m hopeful for this year. I have literally no idea what lies ahead. 32 taught me that I can make all the plans I want and God is still going to do His thing and laugh real hard when I try to make plans. SO this time, this year, I’m not going to make plans. I’m just going to listen and say yes or no when the time is right. I’m going to keep pushing forward and doing the best I can to grow and mature in my faith, my role as a wife, and my role as a mom.

Bring it on, 33. Bring it on, Jesus year. Let’s do this thing.