Real Thoughts on Grace and Gumption
Today’s post is honest, a bit raw (we’re talking a whole lot of writing down my thoughts), and maybe even a bit vulnerable. With that in mind, I wanna talk about the balance between grace and gumption.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with something. And sometimes I feel like the best way (for me, at least) to work through something is to write about it and just let the word vomit flow.
My whole life I’ve been the comedian. The people pleaser. The middle man. The “life” of the party. The neutral one.
I’m basically Switzerland.
Now, that’s not to say that I am not a strong person or what have you, because I am. It’s just this weird combination of being both extremely opinionated and determined while also feeling like I need everyone in the room to be happy.
I absolutely can’t stand it when someone is mad at me. It crushes me to know someone doesn’t like me. I’m just being totally transparent here… my personality is one where I just genuinely want to be liked. For those that understand the “color” personality test… I’m HIGH “Yellow.”
I’m not fake. I don’t lie or try to be someone I’m not to make friends. I honestly, truly, fully care about other people and just want to be their friend.
It’s my nature.
And there were times in my life where I was much more stubborn than I am now and much less likely to care what other people thought or said about me.
But, as I’ve gotten older, as my friend circle has ebbed and flowed, and as the things that consume my life have changed, I’ve noticed a pattern in myself and it’s something I’m really struggling with.
I see a lot of things that frustrate me. I experience a lot of things that make me sad. I interact with people who aren’t kind or gracious. I get e-mails from people who are just downright rude. I see people who could be successful if they just got out of their own way.
And I realize that this is just how the world is. The world is jacked up. People are mean. People are selfish. Life is hard. Not everyone is going to get along.
But… at what point do we stop saying, “That’s just how the world is” and quit the complacency game and say or do something about it? It’s a fine line and one that I’m just not sure how to walk.
Is it possible to be kind and gracious and “Switzerland” all at the same time… AND ALSO have the tough conversations and tell people what you think? You know, gumption.
If it is possible… how?!
I just don’t want to get to a point in my life where I look back and realize that I should have / could have said something in a particular situation and didn’t.
I am not an angry person – I rarely get mad. The reason being that from a very young age, my mom taught me all about how to deal with hardships and things that can or may upset us. She gave me the “timeline” gauge.
The timeline gauge is basically this…
When something happens to you that makes you upset, angry, hurt, whatever… you look at it on a timeline and you ask yourself the following:
- Will you still be upset about this particular situation in 20 minutes?
- Will you still be upset about this particular situation tomorrow?
- Will you still be upset about this particular situation next month?
- Will you still be upset about this particular situation next year?
- How about in five years?
- Ten years?
- Twenty years?
If your answer to question 1 or 2 is, “No.” You drop it and move on. If your answer to question 1 is, “Yes,” then you continue on down the line until you get to a question where you answer, “No.”
You use THAT gauge to determine how long you let whatever the situation is bother you or make you feel upset. Yes, it’s okay to be upset and mad. We shouldn’t ever suppress our feelings or not let natural emotions occur… but festering and letting negativity rule is us just unhealthy.
And so, over the years, I’ve let most things roll off my back because, well, my gauge said I shouldn’t care about it so I should drop it and move on.
But, I think I just got to a point where I started letting EVERYTHING roll off my back to a point where it’s just not good for me anymore. I’ve kept my mouth shut on things and in situations just because I wanted to avoid conflict.
I just didn’t care about being right. It wasn’t worth it to me.
And, it’s still not.
BUT, again, all that to say… at what point do I stop caring about being liked and start caring about really, truly voicing my opinion… with grace, kindness, and mercy.
And, I think that’s it. I think there’s a way to stand up for ourselves and speak our minds without coming off like an arrogant jerk.
It all comes down to grace, kindness, and mercy.
It’s about not acting on emotions. It’s about thoughtfully, carefully, and prayerfully crafting our thoughts and feelings and respectfully voicing them with those that matter or those that have wronged us in some way.
As I think about all of this, I think about how I want my own daughter to be raised and how I want her to look at life. I want her to always treat others with kindness, grace, respect, and love. I want her to be selfless, giving, and compassionate. I also want her to be strong, courageous, brave, and determined. I want her to be filled with righteous anger for the injustice in this world. I want her to stand up for herself and be able to defend herself when she’s under attack. I want her to know that she is beautiful and worthy and capable.
And as much as I want all those things for my own daughter, I realize that in more ways than I realize, I want those things for myself. Yet, I struggle so much to balance them all.
To be quite honest with you, I’m not 100% sure what my goal is in sharing all of this mind dump with you. I think in some ways it’s purely for me to just be able to put thought to paper (or computer screen, so to speak). In other ways I think I’m looking for validation… I’m looking for someone… ANYONE to tell me, “You are NOT alone! I feel the same way!” And in a completely separate way, I’m trying to muster up the courage within myself to work on this.
Because I think there can, and should, be a balance between being full of grace AND full of gumption. When I die I want people to say, “That Molly, she was full of joy, grace, and gumption.”
I think you are very brave, Molly. You probably have more gumption than you give yourself credit for, but as a good Christian you hold yourself to a higher standard. Bless you just the way you are!
http://www.thetallmamastyle.blogspot.com.au
Molly – Everything you said is ALLLL to close to home lol.
I’m a strong willed person, but I would often rather set aside my strong will or opinion or whatever if it meant for the greater good of a friend, or a room of people, just in the want that everyone is happy and having a good time…because hey…life is too freaking short!
But it’s also something I’ve learned to find balance with.
My only piece of advice…..you are allowed to choose those moments/times to say something….but you have to go into it knowing that the other person may be unwilling to listen or accept what you have to say, or even worse, they may lash back at you or even cut you out of their life completely…the thing is, you will have to accept that consequence fully and whole heartedly.
I’ve made that my motto….am I willing to lose this person or completely alter our friendship (for better or worse)? If the answer is no…then I find a way to make peace with it/them. But if you are willing to accept what may happen…then move forward and say something being secure in your heart with how you feel. You just may not always like the outcome…but that’s ok…tomorrow is another day and life isn’t perfect…and we’ll lose and gain friends, but that’s just part of life 🙂
xoxo
Lulu
This post and something I saw on facebook today has really made me think. I know exactly what you mean as I’m opinionated and yet especially when it come to my family I’m a peacekeeper. However this situation causes me massive amounts of stress and I’m trying really hard to approach it all in a more balanced way for the sake of my relationships, my stress levels and my weary head. Back to the facebook thing – I saw a post that is supposed to be humourous but to me it just seemed derogatory, my best friend posted it and normally I would just keep quiet but today I voiced (in a gentle way) my opinion that it was distasteful to both her and my sister – not that they seemed to pay much attention – but it made me feel a bit better knowing that maybe next time they will have a little think. I find the internet has desensitized people and you are right, I’d far rather pause and think and aim to be a nicer, kinder person, but also someone who spoke up for the right thing. Also Molly (I keep wanting to type Molly Moo as I have a cousin who we have always very affectionately called that – Moo for short) this is one of the reasons I read your blog.
I totally relate. As I have gotten older though and more children (i have four) I feel like I care a little less with each child. I don’t mean to say I care less about people’s feelings, but if i’m not everybody’s friend that’s okay because I’m so busy being someone’s mama. Does that make any sense? I still am friendly, kind, gracious but I care very little about what that person may or may not think of me. It has taken A LONG time to get here but it’s very freeing when you can get to that point. I will definitely be praying over this for you! I think there is definitely a fine line and I hope you can get there without beating yourself up 🙂
I think you can definitely have both. The number one thing for me has always been respect. If I don’t agree with something a friend has done, as long as I approach them with respect and a real concern to resolve things, I’ve always found it’s better to be honest than to let is slide in order to keep the peace. As you said, you’re always honest and I think people appreciate that even if it means there’s a bit of gumption coming out.
~Bre
Thank you for sharing this Molly. This is something that I think a lot of us can relate to. I too have struggled with being a people-pleaser, not wanting to upset anyone, just wanting everyone to feel comfortable and happy. There are times I leave a conversation with my mind screaming at me, asking me why I didn’t tell them how I really felt! Molly, it is SO hard to find this balance of speaking up and standing up for what you believe in, while saying it in a way that is comfortable and non-combative.
It’s tough. I don’t know what else to say besides that. It’s something that I try to work on every day. Last night I was listening to an episode of The Lively Show, where at one point the guest Alexandra Franzen talked about the power of saying no, while leaving the other person better than how you found them. I know this may not be quite what you’re talking about, but I found that it really resonated with me. It was helpful to hear a way to voice your opinion and stand up for yourself, while also being so respectful and positive. I shared the link below. I think you may find it interesting, if anything.
You are never alone Molly!! Thank you so much for sharing real issues. Lilly’s a lucky girl to have someone like you for a mama!
http://www.jesslively.com/alexandrafranzen/