Why I Do This… Part Three: My Story
Why do I do this?
You know, this. This blogging thing. All of it. All of the things. Why do I do all of the things? Well, there are a lot of reasons, but some are more important than others. You can read Part One here and Part Two here.
Today’s “Why” is going to take a little different angle. I’m going to tell you a little of my story. This is by no means the whole story, but it’s part of it, and it’s an important part of it that I want you to know.
Sure, I may be opening up myself to some scrutiny or some head scratches or I may even turn some of you off. But the truth is, it’s all the honest truth. And I’ve never once been anyone but myself on this blog and so it’s only right that I share this part of me with you.
Also, this post is long, I know, but it’s important.
I will say this up front: If you are not a Christian, if you are not religious at all, if you are an atheist, if you think liking Jesus isn’t cool or you think the whole thing is a crock and that I am a total nutcase, PLEASE, I beg you, don’t click out of this window. Just hear me out.
Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe He is the Son of God and that He came to this earth to make the biggest sacrifice for you and me by dying on the cross and rising again.
But, I wasn’t always this way. In fact, people that knew me even three or four years ago know that I was basically the opposite.
Sure, I grew up “believing” in God. I grew up sometimes going to church on Christmas or Easter. I even had a brief stint in a worship band in middle school called “Doubting Thomas.” Yeah, I know. But I had no idea what I believed at my core.
While I was super blessed to have an amazing family that loved and supported me as a child, the truth is, things weren’t always easy growing up. I was bullied, picked on, mocked. My mom was very sick and so I had to grow up pretty fast. We had a lot of extended family issues. Living each day in fear of my peers and in fear of losing my mom, I was on edge all the time. I quickly grew depressed and I found solace in comedy and making people laugh. I self-medicated through laughter.
But on the inside, I was angry and only getting angrier by the day. When my mom died my senior year of high school, I only became more angry. Why would a loving God do such a thing to a woman who was so good and so amazing? We didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve this.
I played the self-pity blame game. And so who did I blame? I blamed God. For everything.
And it only got worse.
In college I played around with my faith some more, but that’s what it was. It was a bunch of religious games I was playing and I didn’t have any sense or direction of what I was doing, what I was thinking, or where I was going spiritually. So I buried myself in school work, activities, and comedy. I was involved in everything and I did really well in school, but there was something missing within me. I just didn’t know what.
I graduated college and completely lost sight of everything. I was in debt, I was stressed, and I had completely cut anything religious, spiritual, or God related out of my life.
I would go so far as to say I hated God. I would openly say I didn’t believe in God. I would openly say that Christians were weird and crazy. I said and did things that I am not proud of. I was filled with darkness.
It’s almost ironic looking back on it now, because I was doing comedy and they were my best years of comedy. But my best years of comedy were being done when I was by far the unhappiest I’ve ever been. On the inside, I was a total mess.
Fast forward a few years and I’m in North Carolina. I’m at the lowest of my low point. I’m so beyond sad, lonesome, and lost, it wasn’t close to funny – yet I spent my nights and days trying to make people laugh.
Then I met John.
I knew he was a Christian and that he went to church every Sunday, but he wasn’t one of those “weird” Christians I always made fun of. He wasn’t one of those “crazy Christians” I talked about. He was is cool, he was is normal, he was is hilarious, he was is super smart, and he was is extremely attractive. Okay, he was is HOT. HOTT.
At first, I didn’t ask questions, but there was a part of me that was breaking down walls within me.
After we’d been seeing each other for a short while, he casually mentioned he was going to check out a different church the next day and I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I found myself asking, “Can I come with you?”
It had nothing to do with the fact that it was John going to church, he went to church every Sunday. Why didn’t I ask him earlier? All of a sudden there was a pull within me that told me to go.
And so we went to newhope Church in Durham, North Carolina.
And I haven’t missed a Sunday since. I was baptized on August 28th, 2011.
God did a work in me that day and has done a work in me every day since.
I realized that being a Christian isn’t about being perfect, it’s about realizing that God is perfect and that we are imperfect and are nothing without him.
I realized that being a Christian isn’t about being hateful, judgmental, or oppressive (I have a whole other post brewing about this exact topic, actually). It’s about realizing that Jesus came for the lost, He came for the sinners, He came for the worst of the worst – people like me – and He loved them regardless. In fact, it was the self-righteous and boastful people Jesus couldn’t stand.
From the moment I let go, stopped worrying what other people would think, and started being MYSELF, my TRUE SELF in Christ, that’s when my life turned around.
I woke up one day and said, “Okay God, I’ve been trying to do it my way for so long, and that clearly hasn’t worked. So, let’s try it Your way.”
I surrendered everything.
I surrendered my finances – and I became debt free.
I surrendered my relationships – and I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had, I’m closer with my family, and my marriage is so rock solid.
I surrendered my sin – and even though I still fall short all the time, I know that through Him I can do anything.
And I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
And the Lord has YET to fail me. I could tell you story after story of the miracles that God has done in my life and that I have witnessed and felt since becoming a Christian.
If you had told me four years ago that I would be where I am now and that I would believe what I believe now and that I would be doing what I’m doing now, I would have looked at you like you have six eyes.
But the truth is, I am living proof. If the Lord can do a work in me and make a change in someone like me, He can do a work in anyone and He can make a change in anyone.
And so, to answer the initial question of “Why I Do This?” – well, part of that answer is to hopefully witness to others that yes, you can love beauty and fashion and love and life AND be a Christian. And that Christians are just imperfect people chasing after a perfect Savior. That’s all I am.
I just want to love people (ALL people), serve people (ALL people), and make people laugh.
I am still the same old me. I still act ridiculous all the time. I still love making people laugh.
After all of this time, I’m still being me. I’m still being Molly. (Get it?)
This is already a crazy long post and I could go on for days. I will write more about this later, but something told me to write this now. So I did.
I got an email from a reader this week that confirmed that I’m on the right track – I may not get it right all the time, but it’s emails like this that encourage me:
Dear Molly,
First, let me say I LOVE your blog! One of my favorite ways to relax and have a smile is to catch up on reading it. […]
I’m emailing because I have recently started going to church again after a long (at least 7 years) hiatus. I was raised Catholic and though I have always had God in my heart, I struggled with some of the things that went on in the Catholic Church and that were taught. I am now going to a local New Hope church and I LOVE it! I look forward to Sundays when I can go be with God and other individuals who worship Him. […]
On that note, I really want to study the bible and know The Lord in a way I have never wanted to before. But, I don’t know where to start. I was never really taught how to read the bible, and it wasn’t a big thing in my family. I don’t know the first thing about where to go or what to study. Reading the entire bible seems very daunting me right now and I don’t want to start for fear of not being able to finish, or of working so hard to finish that I don’t get anything out of it. I would like to start small, and work my way to it.
[…] I truly see you living a life full of Christ and hope I can be more like that in the future.-C
It’s because of e-mails like that. That’s why I do this.
If you made it all the way through this post, thank you. Glad you stuck around. And even if you still think I’m crazy, I hope you can understand I’m just being real.
What about you? Why do YOU do what you do?
Hi! I’m not sure why I didn’t see this earlier, but I’m so glad I got to read it now. Thank you for sharing your story and living for the Lord. He is good indeed! Much love to you Molly. You’re going to make a wonderful mother! Happy Mother’s Day!!
xo Lulu
simplylulustyle.com
thank you so much for reading, lulu! <3
Molly, I Love this post!! I loved reading your honesty story about your faith journey. it’s so amazing what Christ can do! My own story is long, but there were times like you, that I felt lost…I have been feeling the need to re-start my spiritual life! I miss going to church…(long story as to why i dont go every sunday)..but i love church & being with others who are imperfect like me, worshiping God together and learning together. Thank you for writing this! 🙂
thank you so much, britt! He is so good. i’d love to hear your story!
Thank you so much for sharing your life and story with us on your blog. I read every post and you are an inspiration!
thank you so much, shell!
Molly, this post is incredible. You blow me away with your ability to put your thoughts to paper [blog, ha] so perfectly. I am so proud of you! This is reason #530356740 why you are one of my bestests.
I love you man!
JB
thanks, jb! i love you!!!!!!
This gave me the chills, in the best way possible! I was raised methodist and have never really found a church in my area that I throughly enjoyed going to. New Hope seens like they use the bible and connects it to the real world, which I think is what I’ve been missing in the past. If you know anyone or anything in my area (chandler,az) I would love to check it out! One side of my family is extremely religious and has used it against other parts of my family, as a “one up” if you will. Which I think is part of the reason I have never really been interested in partaking. Recently I’ve become more interested again. I need the help, emotionally taking on a lot. Thank you for the inspiration!
Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement, liz. you are just wonderful!! now, i’ve never been to Chandler, AZ – but i did do some googling and this church looks very similar to mine: http://onechurch.com/
check it out! 🙂 praying for you, girl!
Seriously, just got the chills. After I read your post (last week) I did some research as well and listened to a couple sermons from One and totally, fell in love. And proceeded to completely forget about it. I think this is a sign! I am planning on going on Sunday and see how it goes! Thank you!!!!
oh my gosh. that is amazing. seriously!! that is absolutely a sign!!! YAY!! will you promise to let me know how it goes?!?!?!
Pinky swear! :o) Thank you again!
anytime! <3
Hi Molly, LOVED reading your conversion story. i find conversion stories fascinating… here’s mine!
http://www.bigmouthagain.com/2011/10/okay-whatever.html
Our God really is awesome!
julie you are awesome. awesome story!
Thanks, Molly! Love ya! (When your baby comes out can i hold him/her?)
hehe absolutely!!
I often wish I felt as surely as you do when it comes to spirituality/religion, and I often wish I was more comfortable being as open as you are about it. As one of the people you may have been speaking to in the paragraph where you asked us not to tune out, I appreciate your writing this.
thank you so much for your comment, jamie! and girl, don’t feel stressed or pressured – because that’s what i did to myself, too. and the second i “let go” is the second my life changed. hope you’re doing well, girl! <3
Molly,
Thank you for sharing this truly deep and personal story. Faith and religion is such a hard thing to talk about in a public forum and I praise you for being so open and honest about your past (and current) feelings. Much like the sender of your email, I’m a Catholic that has struggled with faith and the workings/missteps of our church. I hope to be as strong as you one day and return after my years of non-belief.
xxoo – jessica
http://www.foodwinefashion.com
PS – we’re giving away a set of rose gold rings http://goo.gl/ZEjXi
thank you for your thoughtful comment, jessica!! and it’s so true – it’s SO hard to talk about and can make us all feel so vulnerable. thank you for sharing as well!
And this is why you are a daily inspiration to me! Thank you for being you, for not being afraid & for being one of those un-weird Christians 😉
xx
Here&Now
thank you so much, jessica! you are wonderful. <3
And THIS is why you are such an inspiration and you make everyone around you want to better themselves :)))
Brooke @ what2wear
thank you, friend <3
One quick comment:
I believe I have the same dress you’re wearing (the blue/white stripes), except mine is pink/white. And I was going to wear it tomorrow all plain and stuff. But I think, now, I’m going to put on a little belt, too. Thanks!
thanks, bethany!! glad you loved it and were inspired to try it out for yourself!
Your honesty really touches my heart. It is such a blessing to hear real stories of faith. Thank you so much for sharing this today!
thank you so much for your encouragement, lauren!
Love it. love you and the blog, but love how open and ON.FIRE. you are about the Lord…excellent post 😉
thank you so much, tracy!
You and I have very similar stories about God rocking our world and running boldly towards Him and our mission about “why” we blog is also very similar. One of the things I have always wanted to do before I die is to help someone accept Chris as their Savior (and someone besides my own children because that is kind of understood). I hope that I can use my blog to show the love of Christ, even when I talk about fashion and beauty. Thanks for writing this…its such an amazing post.
that is AWESOME, lindsay. and i knew i liked you. 🙂 God is so good and totally knew what He was doing with BOTH of us! 🙂
I made my way through the whole post and cherished every minute of it!! I love that you weren’t afraid to spread His word and love. It is refreshing to see Him work through you and on your blog. I am sure you reached so many people today…including me. He is an undying God with an undying love for us all. So proud of you, Molly!!!
Shanna thank you for always being such a light in my blog life. 🙂 God is so good!
This post is amazing. It’s refreshing to get a little insight to a bloggers personal life. It truly is amazing to find things in life that just seem to make all the broken pieces fit back together again.
thank you so much, jenn!!
I love this part of your story, Molly. 🙂
thank you so much, lauren!!
I love this post. You are very real in all your posts and honestly, that is why I read your blog. Thanks so much for sharing this. Also, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I also love your posts on the prison ministry that you are involved in.
thank you so much, lacey!! you are so wonderful!
Your story is so crazily similar to mine! I grew up believing, but not going to church religiously. I was taught the foundations of Christiantiy (be good to your neighbor, etc.), but had never opened up a bible. I visited my church the very first day it opened and I’ve been uniquely changed every since. I’m still not perfect. I still fall short more often than I care to admit, but I have found the missing piece. Great post!
ABSOLUTELY!! i am the SAME way, lins!! thank you for sharing. <3
Thanks for sharing your story and testimony!!! I used to be a flaming liberal feminist…and now I’m married to a pastor. God is so good right?
God is SO good!!! i know exactly what you mean – it’s amazing how much He can change us for the better!
This is amazing Molly! Your testimony is incredible, and I love that you share your faith so openly and regularly. It’s so clear that God has done an amazing work in your life and is using you regularly. I’m thankful for fellow Christian Fashion bloggers like you.
Meredith
createthatoutfit.com
thank you so much, meredith!! He is so good. 🙂
This was beautiful Molly. It’s so inspiring when we think we know someone’s life and story and they come to prove us wrong. Just goes to show that God can save anyone. I’ve been a believer my entire life and it still brings me to tears to think about how much my Father loves me, despite the constant ways I fail Him. Thanks for being so open and raw. The Christian community needs more like you that are willing to open up and share. 🙂
thank you so much, devan! it was definitely a tough journey, but i wouldn’t change it for a second!!
Molly, thanks for writing this post! I struggle with my beliefs and at the moment, I’ve kind of accepted that I’m never going to be a religious person. Yet at the same time, I have this urge to learn more, to understand why people belief what they believe, in hopes that one day I can join them in those beliefs. I haven’t reached that point yet, but I have a strange feeling that at some point I will. I really admire you for sharing your journey with us!
oh allyssa i know EXACTLY what you mean – i struggled with those exact feelings and i just accepted i was never going to be “religious” or whathaveyou. but then all of a sudden, it happened when i least expected it, and my life is forever changed.
Beautiful words Molly, It’s because people like you who keep making this world a better place. Every time i read your blog every sentence makes me feel better, like im sitting with you drinking some tea or diet coke! Bless your heart forever.
Thank you for doing what you do best you are incredible ♥
thank YOU, zelma! you are always so incredibly uplifting!!
Why do I do what I do ( work w/college students)? Because I have the immense privelege of watching God work in their lives–as He has in yours! What a wonderful story you tell through your blogging, Molly! Know that God doesn’t waste a minute of our lives–even–no, especially–the lost times! You are giving a gift to others with your transparency–you can be such an encouragement! Oh and I can’t wait to see how God works when that baby comes–parenting takes you to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of depending on Him!! Be blessed, wonderful woman!
Dr. Jacobs thank you so much for your comment!!!! You are such an inspiration to so many – including me!
Hey Molly Amen! Sometimes telling a personal story can be the hardest thing, but also the most rewarding. You’ve touched more lives than you can ever imagine and it’s great to read on who Christ has made you to be, who you are and who’s at your Core. Amazing. Congratulations. It’s always a blessing know Why, Why we do the things we do. Much Love!
thank you so much, linda! <3 He is so good!
Molly – I read your blog every day. I am so glad I discovered it! I love that it is a fashion blog, which is what I was searching for, but love even more that you are a Christian. I had always assumed that you were raised in the church and accepted Christ at a young age….I found this post very uplifting. I am so glad you shared your journey of faith. You are an inspiration.
Deana thank you so much for you sweet comment. Seriously. and that was part of my motivation for sharing my story – i was definitely, what you could call, a late bloomer. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your testimony! You have such a sweet and joyful spirit! Our God is the God of restoration! I try to always remember what He has change in my life ( I have a similar testimony ) when I am praying for my family and friends who are lost. He loves us all and want us al to have a life abundant! Praying for your family and your sweet little one on the way!
He totally is! if He can make a person out of me, He can do anything with anyone. 🙂 thank you!!
Love this post, love your blog, love you! Thanks for STILL being Molly and being so raw.
-Chelsea
http://ceislin.com
chelsea thank you so much! you are such a blessing!! LIOB <3
I am SO proud of you & this post! I feel like I myself have watched you grow in the last couple years (we have YEARS under our friendship belt! Woot!)! I love you, dear dear friend!
thank you so much, dani! <3 you! so blessed by you.
Thank you so much for sharing, Molly. It’s really hard to put something so dear to you out on the table for other people to see, but it’s what we are supposed to do. Your testimony is a beautiful story and you will definitely be blessed for sharing!
thank you so much, rebecca!! it was a nerve-wracking thing to write, but i’m so glad i did!!
Molly, thank you for sharing this. You are so honest and so genuine and that’s what I love about you. I’m happy that you are now in a place in your life where you are happy and proud. That’s what we all strive for. Keep doing what you do! 🙂
xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
thank you so much, yi-chia <3
What a beautiful story, and we have a beautiful Author, don’t we? I know we Christians can be hypocritical and self-righteous and off-putting, not doing a great job of showing what our God is like, but you put it so well. We’re imperfect people, looking to a perfect Savior, who is somehow redeeming the mess of our lives. I hope one day soon we can reconnect after being such great childhood friends! You are gorgeous inside and out, and I love reading your blog, Molly!
we totally do! He is so good and knows EXACTLY what He is doing. thank you so much for your sweet comment, kaely! i hope we can reconnect soon, too!
Thanks Molly. I’m always inspired by how willing you are to bare yourself and share. Faith is something that has continuously alluded me, but I still keep circling around it (or those who have it, I should say). Much of what you wrote above resonates with me, especially being angry with God and the belief that God doesn’t want someone like me. I always see Christians as people I should “hide” myself from and be phony with, if I want to be accepted (or at least not stoned!). There just always seems to be something so happy about people who embrace God, I envy what appears to be peace from the outside looking in.
Anyway – thanks.
absolutely, stephanie!! i have struggled with this very issue for a LONG time. and i’m so sorry that there are people who call themselves Christians who you feel you need to hide from – but know that you never need to hide from me! and if you ever wanna talk, i’m here 🙂
Molly, just want to say this post really spoke to me today. I’ve had a lot of loss in the past few weeks…and I find myself blaming God, wondering why he would do this, wondering if he really exists. I guess it helps to know that you felt similarly at some point and are now a believer. Anyway – just wanted to say thanks for giving me some hope and something to think about 🙂
Annie
The Other Side of Gray
annie, thank you so much for your comment. i was RIGHT where you were… seriously. i blamed God for everything. and sometimes all it takes is that moment of surrender and realization that we aren’t in control that becomes the turning point. i’ll be praying for you, girl! <3
Molly, I loved reading this and getting to know you better. I think everyone plays the self pity game for a while after a tragedy…so I think that’s totally normal. What an incredible journey you went on…you are such a strong person and a wonderful example of how staying close to your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will change your life for the better!
thank you so much, ashley!! He is so good and does miraculous things in people. 🙂
Wow thanks for sharing. I just assumed you had always been “religious” so it is very interesting to read about your journey! Losing your mom at such a young age must have been so hard. I can’t even imagine. I love your blog Molly! Keep being you b/c that’s why people read!!
thank you so much, jodi!! yeah – that’s why i felt like i needed to share my story! all of us have such different pasts. 🙂
This was beautiful Molly. Thank you so, so, much for sharing. I appreciate your honesty, and I’m glad you’re in a happy place in life! 🙂
thank you so much for reading, amberly!